Cease to exist

I'm still a believer but I don't know why
I've never been a natural
All I do is try, try, try

Now whatever I say, 

Everything is from the depth of my heart, every word is true. 

Breathe;

I can but I don't want to.

I desire to cease to exist but am afraid to end this all too. 

By my own hand;

But what if it goes wrong?

To look into her disappointed filled eyes, 

I ain't brave, I ain't strong.

They know I'm tired, they know I'm worn out,

Yet, this life, why force me to prolong? 

I know I'm tired,

So, I rest and get up.

But what do I do when I wake up the same, but even without hope?

Try again when I'm ready?

I don't seem to be one ever, alive or steady. 

But for how long and till when?

Before bed, do I need to drench my pillow, do I need to weep? 

For how long,

Do I need to take pills before I go to sleep?

And if I forget to do so, till when, 
This world still seems to collapse in my head and from under the bed monster would peep?
For how long,

Do I have to cry until I fall asleep?

And I hope it gets better,

It does seem like getting better. 
But again while going to bed I'm praying I don't have to live next morning,

Again I'm breathing death rattle, again I'm mourning.

If it has gotten better,

If it isn't that deep, 

Why I'm pondering the thought of unalive myself, in the sleep?