Letter that I never posted

I'll admit this today, it hurts. When I saw you embracing her, giving your cutest smile to her, it hurts badly. More than that I feel numb when I wake up at middle of the night mumbling your name. I felt pity on myself  because knowing that loving you is killing me I couldn't resist my heart to remember you even in my dream. Deep down I know that you will never look at me ,the way I look at you. But I love you, okay!!!

You are the only one who crosses my mind constantly throughout the day. Your smile light up my day even that is not for me. Every action of your affect me so badly. Your voice intoxicate me more than drug. Your eyes are labyrinth for me, I get lost inside it and never found my way back. I let myself burn in your love but you never cared. Somewhere there is my fault for not expressing my love to you but how can you act like unknown, every single person can see that I'm dying for you . How can you act dumb despite of knowing that behind my every hello there is hidden 'I love you'. 

If you are really willing to be with me you'd never fade in that crowd in mystic way. Even I took a step to move on, I turned back to you but your silence revealed me to took another step and push me to move on. I was always willing to be with you but at the end, like everyone says 'sun comes up and reality sets in' you dissolved in that crowd like sugar in tea. People could never forget the tastes of sugar even now it doesn't exist likewise I will never forget you even if you're not here with me. For me you are like that alphabets I read in nursery even if I'm willing to forget every single letter I couldn't because it's copied in my subconscious memory.

Sometimes your memory gives me a reason to smile but that smile ends up being the pain I felt somewhere near my heart. 

Now I can't hold it anymore. I'm tired of crying, trying and waiting. Knowing the fact you'll never love me back, I won't be the reason behind your smile, I won't be the reason for your butterflies nevertheless I'm gonna ask you something;

this stupid sailor lost in the ocean of love,

somewhere very far;

please<3

to show my way back to home, "will you be my pole star" ?